**WARNING** this blog post/interview is intended for no audience. Read on if you dare...
Bath time for Fatkid
**Photo courtesy of the artists
...I go to the Archer Ballroom for Fatkid reunion show.
...I get anxiety.
...I am very confused.
All this blog writer wanted in life was to grow up to be a WineMom™ and see a Morrissey concert, but thanks to Fatkid’s corrupting noises and my inability to coherently describe my experience...I have invented nouns like "blorb" and "glurlglle" to describe their work.
...My life is ruined, AND I missed my Morrissey concert.
I give this band a -10/5 for musical prowess.
Lead singer, Mann, wore a red cowboy hat..very confusing.
Do you think you're a cowboy? Do you think you're sexy? Thought we were in Chicago not Texas. Also, no cows at the show :?
ANYWAY...
Fatkid frontman in a weird 1990s Limited Too shrinky popcorn top
**Photo courtesy of the artists
Fatkid is:
Lots of screaming. Also, here's a traumatic story about my past:
This blog writer grew up in a growing up place. My dog was very fat. He was also my child.
One day he died!
...Fatkid reminds me of my dead dog.
It’s very inconvenient to be listening to the blorb sound of Fatkid and suddenly be transported back to the funeral of my obese pet animal thing. So sad.
...Also the screaming hurts my ears. This is the music that people talk about being infused with the devil; this is the music that will turn my children into Satanists™.
...This will not look good for my future WineMom™ brand.
Def should have brought Valium™ to Fatkid show...shows give me anxiety in general. But rarely do I have a full on panic attack. So here I am, in a bathroom, hiding from the clanging bangalinging of drums..no air-conditioning AND no lock on the bathroom..very scary.
Here are some weird song titles to accompany my scary experience:
"Smelling My Milk" and "Occasional Sink Noodles." Rude. Also, what is Sentient Milk? How can milk be sentient™???? Also why would somebody want to smell their milk if it is sentient?
And now..an interview from Fatkid:
Actual photo of person from Fatkid
**Photo courtesy of person from Fatkid
Me: Tell me how you balance the blorb and glurlglle in your noise.
Person from Fatkid: First both ingredients are carefully weighed on a scale. When we are sure both are in equal parts, we scream at them. The blorb and glurlglle can actually experience fear, so screaming at them causes them to shrink in terror. Once they are small enough to fit inside the guitars, we cram them in. This gives us our tone.
Me: Why the fedging feckles are you even called Fatkid, anyways?
Person from Fatkid: Splindledorph chose the name for us, we do not know why He chose this particular name.
Me: What are your thoughts on ketchup leather?
Person from Fatkid: I have pants made from that.
Me: Does it bring you joy to know that you are corrupting the youth?
Person from Fatkid: Well, no. Technically, our music is not safe for human consumption AT ALL; it is appropriate for NO AGES. All people are advised not to listen. We do not want to make this music. Please do not listen.
Yet another photo of, you guessed it, Nicolas Cage (and Fatkid)
**Photo courtesy of the artists
Me: Do you think Guy Fieri would enjoy your music?
Person from Fatkid: I have never spoken to Guy Fieri. However, famous chef Gordon Ramsay is actually the constant control of the Mighty Splindledorph. Coincidentally, Splindledorph is the same supreme being who enters our minds and bodies and forces us to write this terrible music. He wears our fingers like gloves and plays the music for us. Hope that this answer is helpful for you.
Me: The Mighty Splindledorph? Who is He? Can I interview Him for my blog?
Person from Fatkid: I will have to summon Him and ask Him if He is willing to be interviewed, but He'll probably be down.
Thank goodness, this is the last photo of Fatkid. I do not like this hairstyle.
No, no, no, no I do not.
**Photo courtesy of the artists
Me: Who else is in your band? Why are they in your band? Why are you even a band?
Person from Fatkid: Fatkid is “Qlondorp the Great” on GUITAR and SAYING THINGS, “Big Snore” on VERY BIG AND IMPRESSIVE GUITAR, “Doctor Zemiecki” on BIG WOOD WITH FOUR OF STRING, and “Vladimir Exodus Bismarck III” on the HARD THINGS. We are in the band because we are commanded to be. Please do not look at us.
Me: Can you give me some free Fatkid merch for plugging you into my Sentient™ WineMom™ blog?
Person from Fatkid: Yes. Please just leave my house.
PLEASE DO NOT LISTEN to Fatkid’s music here.
PLEASE DO NOT READ the First Gospel of Splindledorph here.
**We use the term "artists" very liberally in this article.
Interview and writing by: Elizabeth Meyer
Editor: Diana Bowden